Anne and Steve's story
Steve:
I was devastated when Anne left. She said
that things had been going wrong for ages but I didn’t see that. We
both work long hours and although we were not talking much I did
not realise she was so unhappy. She seemed to suddenly change and
made it clear that I was boring and no part of her
future.
I talked to my solicitor and he said to see if
we could sort something out ourselves but I was too upset to talk
to Anne so we went to court.
It was very hard to explain to the kids what
was happening as I really did not know myself.
Anne: I kept going as long as
I could. While the children were young it seemed important to stick
together, but I have been unhappy for years. Then I went back to
work and began talking to other women and realised that I could not
spend the rest of my life pretending everything was ok.
I tried to talk to Steve and would have gone to
mediation to sort out the children’s arrangements but he cancelled
that and so we went to court.
The children were very quiet with me and even
though they are quite grown up, I don’t think they understood what
was happening. I wanted them to live with me as I had always looked
after them but Steve said he wanted them too.
Meeting the Cafcass Children and Family
Reporter
Steve: I was a bit worried
that Margaret, from Cafcass, would be all for Anne. Lots of people
had told me that courts always give children to the mother. However
Margaret was very fair and listened a lot. She helped me see that I
was pushing the kids to side with me by criticising Anne.
I felt embarrassed that she had to check up
with social services and the police, but she explained why that was
important. I was also anxious about what the children would say
when she met them on their own, but they seemed to like her and be
less tense after she had talked with them.
Anne: I did not want to meet anyone from the
courts as it seemed like interfering in our private lives but
Margaret from Cafcass was very sensitive and did not lecture me as
I thought she might. She helped me understand that although I
wanted a new life, the children wanted everything to stay the same
and hated the idea of change.
I still found it very difficult when she
explained that Jason in particular wanted to stay with his dad. I
think that Claire would have come and lived with me.
I still think it is all very unfair and that I
have lost everything but it was a reasonable process and she was
very thorough.
The Cafcass report and going back to
court
Anne: I found it very hard to read about myself
but it was a full report. It explained what had happened when the
children were younger and that I had looked after them, what they
needed now, their wishes and feelings and the recommendations for
the future.
At the time it was still a shock to say that
they should live with their dad. Although I knew that was what she
would suggest, I still hoped for something different.
In her report, Margaret recommended that the
children spend a lot of time with me and this helped a lot, because
to begin with Steve acted like he owned them.
All in all I didn’t like it but I thought
Cafcass was very fair.
Steve: The report was very
comprehensive and helped me realise that Anne had been a good
mother when they were young and that neither of us owned the
children.
I think that it would have been better if I had
met with Anne at mediation earlier and sorted things out without
all this fuss but Cafcass really helped, especially when I was so
hopeless at talking to the kids because I was so upset.